I do not profess to know the meaning of this Marvelous Message from the Great Beyond. Only one copy of this Miraculous Holy Tortilla Chip exists in this world! I am certain of this fact.

After reading the entire “Left Behind” series by Tim Lahaye and Jerry Jenkins, and watching the 700 Club regularly, I can tell you that I’ve learned more about theology than anyone needs to know. Those guys are blessed with brilliant minds, aren’t they!

My eyes have been opened to the Truth. Ancient prophecies are being fulfilled every day. Choices are made…the stage is set...The Rapture is Coming. Even Oprah and Britney Spears know what I’m talking about.

In a few months it will be June 6th. Think about it. June 6, 2006. 06-06-2006. 6.6.6. 666! 666! 666!

In the twinkling of an eye, millions will disappear without a trace. Heaven will rejoice as millions are welcomed into the unspeakable presence of God. The darkest days will lie ahead for those who are left behind. What you’ll need is a Holy Tortilla Chip.

You may have seen other auctions on eBay for odd, bizarre, vintage, antique, or even modern-day junk with "religious" images on it. Things like a dirty handkerchief, burnt toast, scrambled eggs, mildew stains on old plaster, a home pregnancy test (my personal favorite), a rusty wheel from an old Mustang, rocks, egg shells, sea shells, potato chips, ink smudges, a waffle iron, a grilled cheese sandwich, photos of clouds, fires, water, oil slicks...you get the idea. Religious fetishism is alive and well in the good ol' U.S. of A.

Then there’s that “Shroud of Turin.” Well, I watched the Olympics. I don’t know who they’re trying to fool. We all know it’s “Torino,” not “Turin.”

I’ve seen all the religious fakery. Frankly I don’t get it. Those so-called “amazing images” that I’ve seen on eBay are invisible without the right light, a special viewing angle, or a lot of faith and interpretation. I saw an auction on eBay for a “Blessed Virgin” rock – you have to hold your thumb on it "just so" - your thumbnail forms part of Our Mother’s face.

But this one here's like Coca-Cola, it's the real thing: Jesus on a Tortilla Chip.

This is way better than all those other mysterious apparitions. This is a museum-quality miracle religious artifact. Centered on this most amazing tortilla chip is an extremely clear representation of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. No one who sees it can doubt it. No squinting to see this one! (Take another look at the photo.)

As you can see from the photo, this is a perfectly-formed, round tortilla chip with a clear and distinct drawing of Jesus on it. It is so clear and distinct; it looks EXACTLY as if someone drew this picture on the chip with a Sharpie marker.

I won’t offer any speculation about the provenance of this item. You can do that yourself, skeptic! I am absolutely certain that there are no other tortilla chips just like this one.

But check this out – on the bag where I found this chip it says “Ingredients: ground corn treated with lime, water, vegetable oil (contains one or more of the following: cottonseed oil, corn oil), salt.” It DOESN'T list “ink” or "Sharpie markings" or anything like that. Now, isn’t that miraculous? You may wonder – How did the Sacred Image get there?

Every other chip in the bag was normal. Not one of them has an image of any kind on it. I checked every last one before I ate them. They were quite tasty, by the way. Good with beer and salsa.

If you are the high bidder, I don’t recommend eating this chip. It is not, after all, the Holy Eucharist. It is a very real salted tortilla chip with a very real image on it. You and I both know how miraculous this Holy Chip is. Tasting is not recommended.

Some might think that eating the Holy Tortilla Chip would give you Super Powers. I don’t know if I’d risk that. It all depends on the depth of your faith, I guess.

So here is this most fascinating chip, for your bidding pleasure. Surely there can be only one.

But wait. There’s more to know about the Holy Tortilla Chip!

This Holy Chip has been bringing me blessings since I found it on St. Patrick’s Day. (Could that be an omen? It’s the holiest season of the Christian calendar – Lent – and I opened the bag of chips on a Saint Day!)

Let me tell you about the Blessings of the Holy Tortilla Chip. In the next Millennium, this may all be part of the Sacred Legend of the Chip. (Of course, that’s only IF there is another Millennium – if the Evil One interferes with God’s Great Plan to hold the big Rapture party next June.)

Do you know about the Blessing of Holy Laughter? That’s the Blessing this Holy Chip brings me. (Yep, there really is a group of Canadians -- it's always the Canadians, don'tcha know -- that believes in this stuff. Look it up on Google. Just type this into the Google search window “define: Toronto Blessing” -- you’ll see what I mean.)

If you’ve read this much of my listing, you’ve probably experienced the very special Blessing of Holy Laughter several times. (I’ve had the Blessing over and over while I’ve been writing this.) If you’ve experienced the Blessing reading this, then I know you’ve been touched by the Power of the Chip.

This could be your chance to play a part in the Religious History of the World in Which We’re Living. (Thank you, Paul McCartney, you do know how to turn a phrase!)

Now that you know about the amazing Blessings of the Chip, I know you’ll agree that this chip could become the MOST EXPENSIVE ITEM EVER AUCTIONED ON EBAY. EVER. FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN.

It all depends on your bid.

C'mon. You know you want it. Buy the Chip.

Please understand, I really don't want to part with this Holy Chip. But, I think of it as having the potential to provide more Holy Blessings for my family...er, um, yeah, I'm thinking about a scholarship fund for my children...that's the ticket...a scholarship fund (wink, wink).

For me, it’s also a relic of a GREAT bag o’ chips.

If Jesus on a Tortilla Chip will help with my children’s education, it's all yours. God Bless and Good Luck with the bidding...may it bring happiness and prosperity to us all.

Warning: There may be others who use eBay to attempt to capitalize on manufacturing errors, or natural variations in potato chips or tortilla chips or taco chips. Or pickles. Those are obvious hoaxes. The pickles, especially. Manufacturing errors! Can you believe it? Don’t throw away your money on those charlatans.

Instead, INVEST your money in this Holy Chip. You will never have any doubt about this fantastically clear Holy Image. As long as you preserve this Blessed Chip, all who approach it with an open mind and heart will see the Image and receive the Blessing.

Something else you should know: This chip measures approximately 2-1/4 inches or 57 millimeters in diameter. Did you know that 57 is a Magic Number? Add 5 plus 7 and you get 12. Add 1 plus 2, and you get 3. Three.

THREE kings traveled to Bethlehem...

The Holy TRINITY...

Rub-a-dub-dub, THREE men in a tub...

Why do you think they call it Heinz 57 Steak Sauce? How about the classic ‘57 Chevy? It’s certainly no mistake that this chip measures 57 millimeters across.

Buy it.

Buy it.

Buy it.

See, THREE! It’s magic.

Here’s what you'll get for your investment. Bidding starts low, with no reserve. Shipping will be $5.00.

When the bidding reaches $100.00, shipping is FREE.

When the bidding reaches $350.00, I’ll include FREE shipping AND the Tortilla Chip Bag that once held the Holy Chip.

When the bidding reaches $1,000.00, I’ll include FREE shipping AND the Tortilla Chip Bag that once held the Holy Chip, AND a custom-made reliquary, with real gold-leaf trim, in which you can display the Holy Chip under glass for all to enjoy.

When the bidding reaches $5,000.00, I’ll include FREE shipping AND the Tortilla Chip Bag that once held the Holy Chip, AND a custom-made reliquary, with real gold-leaf trim, in which you can display the Holy Chip under glass for all to enjoy, AND I’ll send you a jar of pickles.

Attention fundamentalist fanatics:
There's so-called “Christian” kitsch all over the Internet. There are endless varieties of Bibles, collectibles like Precious Moments figurines, Jesus tee-shirts, BVM t-shirts, Mary Magdalene costumes, iconography both ancient and modern, crucifixes, Madonnas, a glow-in-the dark-rosary, hand-made rosaries, all kinds of Scripture plaques, poetry, books, videos. There’s “worship music,” inspirational recordings, so-called “Christian Rock,” and every kind of banal New Age gibberish. Rapper Kanye West gets into the act with his hip-hop CD and DVD “Jesus Walks.” Paintings, photos, sculptures, crafts, bumper stickers for your car or truck, buttons and pins to wear, hats, jackets, and every kind of collectable.

I especially like the "Jesus Fixed My Motorcyle" tee shirts.

It’s NUTS!!! But please don't agree too quickly. First, bid on this amazing Holy Chip. Then stop buying all that crap.

If you’re offended or bothered by this auction, try looking on eBay or somewhere else for a sense of humor. You need that more than anything.

Hmmmm. Maybe I’ll list that next.

Oh – one more thing. I’m not interested in your religious hatred, so don’t try to send me any supercilious email. Send your whining to Falwell and Robertson and Dobson instead, OK?

Added March 20...
The Forces of Darkness are rallying. First, some woo-woo crackpot tries to cash in on my auction by selling a book on eBay called "Don't Look for Jesus in a Tortilla Chip." Then, a non-believer told me she thinks this Sacred Image doesn't look like Jesus.

What did you expect? Thomas Kinkade? Norman Rockwell? Picasso? Walt Disney?

Gosh golly darn it, it's a miracle tortilla chip!

I defy ANYONE to prove to me that the Miracle of The Holy Chip is not the ONE TRUE IMAGE of Our Lord and Our Redeemer. Were you there when they nailed him to the tree? No you were not.

God said it. I believe it. That settles it. So you just shut up now.

Added March 21...
It was a big day today for the Forces of Darkness. My auction got more than 150 hits!

Seems that most of the hits were from hate-filled “Christians” who graciously took time out from Fox News to gaze at my auction and write to me. That is so cool!

You know what that means? For every whacked-out fundamentalist who started frothing at the mouth about my auction, a few women got promotions at work or abortions they needed or didn’t get beat up today; a few children didn’t get molested; a few gay people got through their day without being vilified or killed; a few underpaid science teachers had the chance to teach the reality of evolution.

Yes, indeed. The Power of the Holy Chip works in mysterious ways.

Even Pat Robertson made it through the day today without issuing a Holy fatwa calling for the death of some brown-skinned head of state! The Power of the Sacred Chip is truly at work in our world! If we can get our cocaine-addicted loser of a president to focus on the Holy Chip, maybe we can save some Iraqi children from his religious war.

What is it about the appeal of extreme fundamentalism for the semi-literate and crude? Are death threats and cussing just an accepted part of their small-minded lives? And the atrocious spelling! One of these bozos, while threatening to “deliver the punishment of the living God” to me, called himself a “treu believer” and a “Christain”. I kid you not.

I happen to believe in a “Living God” with a sense of humor. A Living God who shakes her head in sadness whenever Bush or Cheney or Frist or DeLay or Hastert or any of their corrupt crowd pretends to be a Christian. A Living God who wishes that every one of you who spewed your religious hatred at me would apply yourselves to being a real Christian. Even if it’s just for a day.

Try it. I guarantee it will be a completely new experience for you.

As I said before, this Holy Tortilla Chip is truly a miracle. It has the miraculous True Image of Jesus on it, no less than the blue-eyed blond Jesus fetish on the wall of your Sunday School class.

Without a doubt, this is the One True Chip. Buy the Chip. Buy the Chip. Buy the Chip.

Tell your friends, too.

Can you believe it? More than 1,000 hits on this auction in the first three days!

All Hail the Power of the Chip.

You know, back in 1978, somebody in New Mexico found a miracle tortilla chip just like this one. By the time some stoner with the munchies ate the thing, more than 11,000 people had spent their summer vacations going to visit the Holy Chip.

It proves one of my theories – whenever there are people with Too Much Money, just around the corner you’ll find a casino, a 700 Club, or a Republican or Democratic National Committee ready to relieve them of their burden.

As a person to whom The Truth has been revealed, I have to say that the story of the New Mexico miracle chip is sad. Truly sad. The image on that so-called “miracle chip” was so abstract, those 11,000 people couldn’t agree whether the image was Jesus or Mother Teresa of Calcutta. Sad.

Cheer up, my Friend. No sadness allowed. The Sacred Image on my Holy Tortilla Chip is none other than Jesus of Nazareth. No abstraction here. There can be no debate. This is the incredible Revealed Truth. (Look again at the amazing real photo above.)

There is only one mystery about this Miracle. How did the Divinely Inspired Image get onto my chip?

Here’s more Good News for Modern Man...The hate mail from the fundamentalist “Christians” is beginning to diminish. The troglodytes are crawling back into their holes. I’ll surely miss them, especially my pathetic buddy from Indiana who keeps calling himself a “Chistain” while making barely coherent death threats.

“And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love; Yes they’ll know-oh we are Christians by our love.” La dee dah.

I do like those "Jesus Fixed My Motorcycle" tee-shirts. And I'm damn proud of the chrome fish on the back of my car. Praise the Lord.

Please, Friend. Allow me to help you with your heavy burden. Bid high, bid often.

And tell all your friends.